Family or team? It is becoming the organizational culture version of the born or made question in leadership. 3×5 Leadership recently ran a great piece that broke down two competing theories on the topic. I recommend you read “Are We a Family or a Team?” and the books he references (Dan Coyle’s The Culture Code and Todd Henry’s Herding Tigers). This post will focus more on a personal view with the only expert invoked being Sun Tzu.
”Regard your Soldiers as your children and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look on them as your own beloved sons and they will stand by you even unto death.” -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
As Your Children…
I have written on this quote before, and on the topic of leading with love. It is my absolute favorite leadership quote. IF there is a distinct and opposing set of camps on this issue, I would firmly place myself in the Family Camp. I am a firm believer that the units I lead are a family. And, like any family, members have the option to self-select out of the family (e.g. the story of the Prodigal Son).
I regularly use the word Family for two reasons:
Freely Given
As the leader/executive, my love is freely given. I readily tell my Soldiers that I love them, I trust them, and I am proud of them. Try looking a group of hardened and overly testosterone filled Infantrymen and saying “I love you.” It catches them off guard the first time. I do not tie my love for them to their performance. I do, however, tie their rating, promotion, schools, etc. to their performance and character. But, separation is a form of self-selecting out of the family. I am not kicking them out, they chose to violate the values of our family and leave. Actions have consequences.
Love, Not Like
U.S. Army Photo by 1st Lt. Ryan Debooy, 25th ID. Retrieved from Instagram.
The term family allows me to draw other important correlations and invoke visceral images/lessons. One such adage I invoke from the family framework is “love, not like.” I am the oldest child of three sons. I love my brothers without end. Do I always like them? Hell no. And, I can promise you that they don’t always like me. But, that doesn’t change our love for each other. This concept is applicable to a military unit where Soldiers come from all walks of life. We can’t expect Soldiers to like every person in their unit. But, we do expect them to risk their lives with each other for the mission.
Another great adage it allows me to invoke is “my brother’s (and sister’s) keeper.” This is a regular favorite of mine for 1. Holding ourselves and each other to a collective standard and 2. Sticking together and watching out for each other on weekends.
The Second Half
That Sun Tzu quote is my favorite. But, you can’t cherry-pick a quote, take it out of context, and still retain its original meaning. For this reason, I know the second half of the quote.
”If, however, you are indulgent, but unable to make your authority felt; kind-hearted, but unable to enforce your commands; and incapable, moreover, of quelling disorder: Then your Soldiers must be likened to spoilt children; they are useless for any practical purposes.”
The false dichotomy is the belief that a team and a family are mutually exclusive. This makes sense if you subscribe to the professional sports version of a team. Imagine the general manager, constantly swapping players like resources instead of people, then claiming they are a family. When I hear criticisms of the family comparison, they usually manifest in the form of viewing Soldiers simply as a resource.
My view is, admittedly, skewed by my upbringing. I have mentioned before that I am a coach’s son. My father ran a team like a family and our family like a team. I didn’t know any different. He did, and still does, hold his players and his sons accountable for their actions.
Love is Accountability
Families have cultures. Great families build an intentional culture. They have strong cultures founded on shared values and set accountability as a cornerstone. My father held us accountable for our actions. But, he made it clear that he was disappointed in what we did, not in us. He separated the action from the person when the action was out of the character of the person.
The idea that unconditional love requires sacrificing accountability is an emotionally underdeveloped concept. It is an unmatured view of love and leadership. Love and accountability go hand-in-hand, both inextricably linked and simultaneously separate. On the one hand, truly loving someone means holding them accountable to a set of shared values. And, on the other hand, you can administer the consequences of failing to uphold those values, with love in your heart.
Compassionate Correction
In my view, the only way to justly administer UCMJ is with love in your heart. I have heard criticism that this leads to cupcake leadership or a “social welfare unit.” Yes, I have really heard those exact words. Again, in my opinion, this approach is the sign of an emotionally underdeveloped mind. The minute UCMJ becomes enjoyable; vindictive; or void of a more complex analysis of the Soldier, the situation, and the unit; is the moment you are no longer justly wielding your adjudicative powers.
How do you administer UCMJ/separate someone with love in your heart? That is a post for another time.
Burn The Oil
U.S. Army Photo by @lthammerstein on Instagram. Retrieved from @usarmy on Instagram.
Finally, a criticism of the Family mind-set is that leaders take it easy on their Soldiers. Again, perhaps I grew up in a counter-cultural family, but I can’t reconcile this thought. A family pushes each other to be the best forms of themselves possible. My father followed up a great pitch from the mound by saying, “Good job. Now do it again.” He reacted to a 98% on a test with, “Good job. Next time try for 100%, no need to give away those two points.” This may make my father sound obsessively demanding, but it never felt that way growing up. He made is VERY clear how much he loved us, that his love was not tied to our performance, but that because he loved us he would push us to perform at our best – exhausting every ounce of God-given talent with discipline, hard-work, and hustle.
For this reason, my second favorite leadership quote is by James Warner Bellah and another manifestation of family and love.
”A Soldier who has given his life because of the failure of his leader is a dreadful sight before God. Like all dead Soldiers he was tired, possibly frightened to his soul, and there he is – on top of all that – never again to see his homeland. Don’t be the one who failed to instruct him properly, who failed to lead him well. Burn the midnight oil, so that you may not in later years look upon your hands and find his blood still red upon them.”
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The military is a unique profession – one of the very few in America that asks you to fight, and if need be to die, for the mission, the person next to you, and the cherished institutions of our Nation. I believe that family and team are interchangeable. Arguing between the two terms is an unnecessary dichotomy. But, if ever there is a place where a family mentality is appropriate, it is a profession where “no greater love” is asked of its members.