Military marriages are uniquely rewarding, but they are also uniquely challenging. Like any relationship, marriage in the military is a journey that takes work. Introducing a spouse to military life is a common point of friction among service members. Friction can arise due to miscommunication and stress. Soldiers and spouses need to be aware of these struggles to thrive in a military relationship.
Awareness can come from several sources. Some couples find support through social groups, family, religious groups, or professional marriage counseling. Regardless of how couples manage friction, it takes work. Unfortunately, some soldiers have the expectation that spouses naturally adapt to military culture on their own. This can result in miscommunication, increased stress, and reduced readiness but with the right tools and techniques military couples can overcome these challenges. I hope to tackle some tough subjects, but i’ve found that the only way to address these issues it to discuss them openly. Below I’ve outlined some of the tools that have helped me on my journey.
Introducing Spouses to Military Life
In many ways the military is its own culture. It has its own set of values, ethos, and traditions that it ingrains into all facets of military life. It should be no surprise that it can be a shock for new military couples. Social events can be particularly difficult. There are instances when a military spouse may feel reluctant to attend a unit Thanksgiving dinner, holiday party, or a military ball. The formality of military social events can be intimidating to new spouses. Newly married soldiers should think about how they can help their spouses through such a jarring process.
Soldiers can break down this barrier with information. They can slowly introduce spouses to the unit in less formal venues to meet the soldiers and ease them into the environment. Another thing a soldiers can do is introduce their spouse to other spouses. Allowing your spouse to integrate with people going through similar challenges will help guard against isolation. Finally, it’s important remember not to rush spouses into military culture. It takes time and different people adjust at different paces.
Adaptation After Returning from Deployment
When I returned from my first tour to Afghanistan, I was not prepared for what I was about to experience back home. My number one priority was to see my wife and kids more than anything. As the weeks passed, I started to feel the pressure of responsibilities I had forgotten about while deployed. Trivial things like driving, issues with the kids, bills, and life itself were far more daunting than expected. It got to the point that I began to resent my spouse when things didn’t go as planned.
As service members, it’s crucial that we understand friction is normal after returning from deployment. Our families may not be the same compared to what we experienced before leaving. That divergence can lead us to misunderstand our spouses. We have to remember, they had to figure things out as well during our absence. I had to be open and honest with my wife and family about what I expected after returning from deployment.
Military couples have many resources available to manage struggles during and after deployments. One of the resources is Military One Source. Military One Source is a U.S. DOD program that provides resources and support to active-duty, National Guard, and Reserve service members and their families. They have multiple programs to include counseling and resources for couples before, during, and after deployments. The program is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at no cost to service members or family members.
Agree to Disagree During Arguments
Effective communication is an exercise that takes months and even years to master. Early in my military career, during my time as an NCO, I learned not to address my wife the same way I address my soldiers. One afternoon, after returning from a bad day at work, I said things to my wife that I later regretted. Later that day, my wife told me: “SGT Alvarado needs to stay at work.” That was a harsh lesson that I will never forget. As service members, we need to be aware of how we speak to our loved ones, especially during moments of anger. Being unkind does not only refer to disrespectful words. Something as simple as rolling your eyes in response to a spouse’s comment can cause conflict.
Every couple should understand their limits before reaching the point of anger. During a conversation with a mentor, LTC Robert Richardson, he told me, “During disagreements with my wife, I’ll try to allow her to say her perspective. Then I try to deliver my perspective of the situation. If we disagree, we institute a cooling-off period, and we reconvene once the emotions are in control.”
With time, I learned that winning an argument against my spouse was like scoring against my team. I asked myself: how can I compete against my teammate? Answering this question made me realize I am not always right. Married couples will have disagreements, and the ultimate goal should be to build trust.
Objective: Financial Peace
Managing finances is one of the biggest challenges military couples face. Some soldiers believe they deserve to buy anything they want with the money they earned. Others feel entitled after returning from a long deployment. I used to have poor control of my credit cards, buying things that I could not afford or did not need. It led to issues with my spouse, loss of sleep, and unnecessary stress. Money mismanagement was detrimental to our financial peace; we had to make substantial adjustments in our relationship. Financial stress is a reality many service members face.
There are several resources for military couples who may be facing financial difficulties. The Army Community Services provides multiple programs tailored to financial readiness including financial counseling, tax help, and access to emergency funds. Military One Source is another program that provides financial counseling for military couples. The most important thing to understand from a service member’s perspective is that payment and allowances are designed to support the entire family.
Surviving Infidelity
Surviving infidelity is one of the most challenging events a military couple can endure. Issues of infidelity can seriously hampers a soldiers mental health and erodes trust in others. Kevin Plank, founder of Under Armor, said “Trust is built in drops and lost in buckets.” As leaders, we need to be prepared to deal with this sensitive topic. Not only to protect our own marriages but to help our soldiers.
There can be different reasons why an affair happens. When Soldiers leave for extended periods (i.e., training rotations or deployments), their marriage can become emotionally challenged. Addressing infidelity before it happens prevents serious issues before they arise. Establish good communication, especially during long periods of separations. Be honest with each other; keeping secrets can lead to actions you may regret. The goal is to build trust.
Infidelity is difficult to recover from, and many military couples don’t know how. Many decide to seek divorce, but there are ways to foster a healthy recovery. The first step is a real commitment to restoration. Second, both parties need to evaluate the environment around them and make adjustments. Finally, it’s important to remember the recovering period takes time, and it’s essential to be patient.
Spiritual support, regardless of faith or form, is one of the best tools to help service members forgive and restore trust. Attending small groups at a local religious group can provide much needed additional support to restore a relationship. If a couple follows the challenging path of restoration, they may be able to build a better and stronger relationships.
Conclusion
Being married is one of the most influential experiences in a soldier’s life. Along with the challenges we faced through the years, it can be a deeply rewarding experience. For others, it was one of the worst. Some Soldiers have horrible experiences during their marriages. It’s important not to discard the opportunity to find love, as bad experiences are learning lessons for the future.
Military couples need to learn how to overcome these struggles together. As leaders we should remember to communicate with spouses and listen to their needs. Effective communication prepares military couples to overcome all the difficulties that will inevitably come. Military relationships have unique challenges that soldiers and spouses need to tackle together to overcome. Culture shock, finances, and infidelity in the military can place immense stress on relationships. Even still, with work and commitment military couples can overcome these challenges and live a happy life full of love.
Capt. Abner F. Alvarado is currently attending the Counterintelligence Officer Course at Fort Huachuca, AZ. In December 2021, he graduated from the Military Intelligence Captains Career Course (MICCC) and he previously served as Company Executive Officer for 202D MI BN, 513TH MI BDE at Fort Gordon, GA.
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