This past February, I had the pleasure of attending the inaugural Battalion Commanders Assessment Program (BCAP). While preparing for interviews, I found a major component of BCAP to be reflection. Could I describe the best and worst leaders I’ve worked for? As I reflected on 17 years of bosses and why they were great or not so great, it clicked for me: the great ones led with empathy.
Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and appreciate the way others feel. Empathetic leaders respect others’ ideas especially when they differ from their own. People feel comfortable sharing important issues with empathetic leaders because they care for others and consider others’ experiences before acting. I’ve always considered myself an empathetic leader. Looking back to the throes of KD time or a hectic command schedule, I realized I wasn’t the best at it.
What Comes Naturally
When someone tells you something that’s bothering them, we’re generally inclined to do two things. First, we want to demonstrate we understand what they’re struggling with. We often do this by sharing our own stories.
“You’ve been diagnosed with cancer? My father had cancer…”
“Your wife is having a troublesome pregnancy? My wife and I went through the same thing…”
“One of your Soldiers did what?! Let me tell you what one of my Soldiers did once…”
Second, we attempt to provide perspective to lessen their concerns, or we outright try to solve their problem.
“… my father did a round of chemotherapy and radiation, and now he’s cancer-free.”
“… but after years of trying now we have two wonderful children.”
“… we gave that Soldier a FG Article 15, suspended all the punishment, and now he is a great senior NCO.”
Do these examples feel familiar? The leader is attempting to demonstrate they understand the other person’s feelings by relating to them. And they’re trying to offer solutions, which should make the person experiencing the issue feel better, right?
A Missed Connection?
Don’t feel bad if you’ve said the above – you’re human. Leaders who say things like this usually have good intentions and think they’re helping. There’s no guarantee you’re being helpful in the above scenarios, though. If you only give them the help you think they need and never ask for their input, you risk never establishing an emotional or compassionate connection. If you’re not establishing connections, you’re just sharing war stories. No one is really listening. They’re waiting for their turn to talk.
If you’re a leader or mentor, you must resist the urge to respond immediately with a reciprocal story. When someone is sharing a problem with you, empathy (or lack thereof) has a more significant effect on the outcome. If you’re a leader who spent much of their career solving problems, being empathetic can be hard work.
What to Do Instead
Speaking directly to leaders who have a teammate (anyone who works for you or someone you mentor) come to them for help, below are a few steps to follow before attempting to solve problems.
Listen
You cannot help your teammates unless you’re prepared to listen and understand – on a cognitive and emotional level – the problem at hand. This is the hardest step in the process, but easily the most important. Your schedule, attitude, and posture are potential saboteurs to active listening.
First, make time to listen. Leaders must keep schedules that allow teammates to stop by for discussions. Set office hours for visits or simply block time in your battle rhythm to reflect. Quick pop-ins can and will happen, so be prepared to postpone meetings or schedule additional time for what might become longer engagements.
Second, attitude goes a long way. Leaders must recognize when they need to be more engaged. Avoid thinking about how their situation resembles one you’ve encountered before, or you might incorrectly diagnose the problem and apply an inappropriate solution. Be patient and let your teammate speak. Ask questions for clarity if you need. “How” and “what” are often helpful; questions that begin with “why” may put your teammates on the defensive. Remember, some issues may seem superficial, but if the leader is patient and keeps a clear mind, they might find the problem to be more complex.
Third, note your posture. You cannot listen if you are distracted by email, your phone, or people barging in for signatures. Interruptions prevent you from listening clearly. Give your teammate the option to close your door. Step away from your computer and sit down with your teammate. If you can’t sit anywhere other than your desk, make a point to turn off your monitor and put your phone face down on your desk. These are vital signals that you’re committing to listen. Only by removing obstacles can you effectively focus on the problem at hand.
Appreciate
Military leaders are not hard-wired to ask for help. Problem-solving is often praised as a leadership trait. In 17 years, I can count only a few times I asked my boss for their assistance with an issue. I associated having to ask for or receive help with failure. So positive reinforcement is critical here.
After listening to your teammate, first thank them for bringing the problem to your attention. Leaders should encourage vulnerability when someone has recognized they need assistance instead of going it alone. Remember it is a privilege to be asked for help.
Building cohesive teams through mutual trust is a principle of Mission Command for a reason. Leaders must reinforce this trust through respect. Even though your initial reaction may be to dismiss the issue as not a big deal, your teammate needs help – so it’s a big deal to them. Leaders must not be invalidating or flippant, regardless of their experience. Remember what it was like to be in their shoes; you didn’t always know the answer, and you probably remember how stressful it could be to seek help or discuss sensitive topics with your boss.
Care
You’ve listened without distractions and you’ve shown appreciation for vulnerability. If it’s tempting to move straight to advice or guidance – pause. First, ensure they’re OK. Depending on how serious the issue is, ask how your teammate is feeling. If you don’t know what to say, ask questions like, “How are you coping?” or “What do you think about this so far?”
Don’t assume they’re familiar with processes. As a company commander, I once sought advice from my battalion commander about one of my Soldiers being investigated for a crime. All he told me was to call the brigade lawyer. I had many questions about my responsibilities and what would follow, but I was too proud to tell him I had no experience with investigations and had no clue about what my role should be in the process.
Avoid saying, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Your teammate came to you with a problem, yes, but making comparisons to your own experience might be unhelpful. Even if you think you have had a similar situation, your experiences and your teammate’s experiences are likely to be different; you probably don’t understand precisely what they’re going through. This isn’t about you, so avoid applying your own beliefs and biases to the situation and making the conversation about yourself.
Solve… maybe
It’s important to note that not every problem needs to be solved. Sometimes people just need to be heard. If it is unclear whether your action is requested or required, don’t be afraid to ask, “is this a problem you’d like me to help you with?” or “how can I support you?”
If the problem is in your unit and you’re in a position to solve it, then create a system to prevent it from recurring. Standard Operating Procedures, policy letters, or direct engagement are common tools leaders can use to prevent or correct shortcomings.
Leaders should question whether they’re uniquely qualified to address the issue. There’s a litany of internal and external assistance available, including uniformed and civilian experts who address all facets of life and sensitive topics like Army Community Service, Equal Opportunity, finance, legal, physical and behavioral health, and Sexual Harassment and Assault Response, among others. There might also be experts in your organization, such as certified response coordinators or people with more specialization who you can bring in (if your teammate agrees) to assist.
Practice and Invite Feedback
Being an empathetic leader takes practice, regardless of whether it comes naturally. By listening, being appreciative, and caring, leaders can assuage their teammates’ concerns. By being inquisitive and asking “what” and “how” questions, solutions can appear organically. Leaders should invite feedback from teammates during every step described above. Have you heard them correctly? Are the solutions you propose understood or feasible for them? Empathetic leaders are better communicators and will lead more effective organizations at all levels. The Army is a people business, and people are at their best when they feel understood.
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