My first official duty as an Officer in the U.S. Army was a temporary assignment to Joint Base Lewis McChord (JBLM), working for Cadet Command as Cadre for the ROTC Leader Development and Assessment Course (LDAC). I worked for a Lieutenant Colonel who was serving as the Professor of Military Science at Purdue University. He taught me a lot that summer, but one story sticks out. It was a humble parable that continues to resonate with me a decade later.
The Lt. Col. noticed a similar wide-eyed, idealistic, perfectionism in the young Lieutenant sitting next to him. As we drove from our lodging in Puyallup to the North Fort of JBLM, I showed a mixture of masochism and romanticism in my views of the world and a profession I had just joined. Battling between things as they were and as they could be, I was struggling with how I would make a difference. He waited for the pause, and offered this – short, but insightful:
“When I came into the Army I said I wasn’t going to leave until I fixed all the things I disagreed with or saw wrong. After my first year, I realized this plan would see me in the Army to my death having still not achieved my goal. So I changed my plan to “from me down.” From me down we would do things right. From me down we will be disciplined. We will treat Soldiers as people. From me down, we will trust and empower. I may not be able to fix everything in the Army, but I can and should fix – from me down.
I was speechless, realizing anything I said in response would reveal an immaturity he already saw. As Mark Twain said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.” Or more colloquially, “never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.” Responding with “Yes sir” would be dismissive, “Absolutely” would be arrogant, “You’re right Sir” would be sycophantic. So instead, I stored the parable away and have ruminated on it ever since.
From Me Down
Over the years, the “From Me Down” theory of my mentor – whom I stay in touch with to this day – came up again and again. Sermons, speeches, and presentations helped me develop my understanding of this idea – the idea that leadership is influence and we must stay focused on that which we can control. To expend effort, attention, and energy outside of our sphere is wasteful.
I am accountable for me down, but also responsible for influencing my higher headquarters and sister units. An even tighter circle than that is our oikos – a community of 8 to 15 people placed in each of our lives by whom we are strategically located to affect. Recently, my focus has grown even tighter than that.
Oikos
We are a community of practice. All of you who engage with The Company Leader on Facebook and Twitter are part of a community of leaders who are focused on self-development as a means of growth and influence within our organizations. But, sometimes we jump into influencing others too quickly.
Over the past few weeks, I have had multiple opportunities to speak to the heart of friends, Soldiers, and leaders regarding individual matters that are troubling them. The theme across these recent interactions has been an attitude of outward focus rather than inward reflection.
This isn’t a slight against them. I am dropping my stones here, because if there is one thing I have learned throughout this recent journey it is that I am as guilty as any.
It Starts with One
We all have things we want to change in our lives, our communities, our organizations, and our country. It may be a political issue, a personal disagreement, or a professional inefficiency. We set to work, searching for how we can be the solution. We look to lead the change, and often overlook the person or thing we should change first.
Do me a favor – pull out a piece of paper and smack-dab in the middle of the page write the word “ME” in big letters. Now, around that word, mind map the frustrations you wish you could change; write them down. These may be people (a coworker or a spouse), events (that weekly meeting everyone knows is a waste of time), or more abstract and broad ideas (violence, hate, or racism).
Once you are done, I want you to draw a circle around the word you first wrote in the middle of the page. That is where you start your change. Inside the circle is where we have to start.
Understand before being Understood
Stephen R. Covey, in his bestselling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us that the highly effective person seeks first to understand and then to be understood. Each of the topics on your paper have a deep well of emotionally charged reasons for being what they are. Humans are, at the very center of our brains, emotional beings.
The limbic brain is helping make choices, often void of the logical and reasoning neocortex, based on what we call “gut feelings” or instincts. Before we can crack into that code, we as leaders need to build trust. And, as Covey tells us, that trust needs to come from our character (as displayed through our words and deeds) and empathetic listening. We cannot – as he puts it – prescribe before we diagnose, and expect to be successful.
You face a myriad of things you want to change every day. A deluge of forces or circumstances meet you there to counter to your goals. Before you wage a war against obstacles or seek cooperation, refer back to our diagram. Start your change inside the circle.
Three Ways I Will Start Inside the Circle
- Reflect, through habitual prayer, on deliberate responses to likely challenges. I will be more likely to succeed if I have a plan.
- Ask at least three questions of each person I engage in meaningful discussion. Genuinely listen with a posture that shows I am in receive mode. Reflect on their statements before answering.
- Build a more deliberate habit of forgiveness and gratitude toward the people in my life. Recognize their struggle. Personally forgiving them for any perceived slights. And thank them for something they do well.
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