I disagree. And, that is ok. When did we stop making it ok to disagree? Moreover, when did disagreement mean completely contrasting opinions? These are questions we will get to, but first – with what am I disagreeing? I, in part, disagree with a Guest Post on the Angry Staff Officer’s Blog by David Dixon titled “Guest Post: The Growing Emptiness of Service”.
Principle 1 – Disagree with the Opinion, but Love the Person
I don’t know David Dixon, but his bio on the ASO post describes him as a U.S. Army Veteran. From the article, I know he entered the Army in 1999 and so for that I start by commending his service to the Nation and its Soldiers. I assume, from the start, that David is a good leader with a great heart and sincere intentions.
Principle 1: There is no need to villainize the person simply because you disagree with something they think or say. We can debate ideas without degrading people.
Principle 2 – Climb Inside Their Skin
Next, before getting offended, angry, or forming an opinion in response, we should put ourselves in the other’s shoes and understand from where he/she is coming. In the wise words of Atticus Finch, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it”. In this situation, I reached out to David Dixon on Twitter and set up a phone call.
You can’t always reach out to the individual directly, and maybe the idea you are disagreeing with is more of an overall opinion than an individual one. In these cases, we should war-game our thinking with a measure of open-mindedness and empathy. In the eight hours between feeling the initial pangs of disagreement and when I could get David on the phone, I took a stab at this practice.
I decided to assume David has a great amount of love in his heart. He is a patriot who has served his country in combat. David fought in a war marked by vast shades of gray in its intentions, ways, means, and ends. He is a father and husband who is disappointed and hurt by the trends of violence in our Nation that appear eerily similar to the depravity of the places he served in combat. I believe David loves the Army and loves Soldiers. As a husband and father, a Soldier and leader, and as a Christian – I can empathize with all of these frustrations and feelings.
Principle 2: When we give in to our initial feelings of disagreement, we can lash out before truly understanding from where the other person is coming. Seek first to understand before being understood.
Principle 3 – Separate the Baby from the Bathwater
I love the axiom, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”. Too often, we decide that disagreement has to be in full with absolute “if…then” statements. If you mention gun reform, then you MUST hate the second amendment. If you are Christian, then you must vote republican, hate the LGBTQ community, and despise recycling. If you are passionate about women’s rights, then you MUST be pro-choice.
Life just isn’t that simple. As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function”. So, where do David and I agree?
- School shootings and the various examples of violence we see in our society are disgusting, wrong, and unacceptable.
- There is a feeling that the collective sacrifice of Servicemembers and their Families still falls short of making the lasting difference we wish to see in the world.
- We, as Servicemembers and Veterans, have a voice that people with political agendas are hijacking. This too often happens in a collective and homogeneous way, speaking for a vast and non-homogenous group of people. Because of this trend, we see the rise of individual voices through Social Media, Blogs, etc. (e.g. @iAmTheWarax).
Principle 3: Disagreement is rarely in full. We are diverse people with varying degrees of opinions on a set of complex problems that are not all inter-related. You can disagree with a person in part, while giving credence to those areas where you both agree. We aren’t putting people on trial here – this isn’t a case of Law & Order where the Assistant District Attorney has to convince a jury that the defendant is wrong in full to remove all reasonable doubt.
Principle 4 – Respectfully Disagree
Now that I appreciate the person, better understand his position, and understand the areas where I agree with him, I can better form my position of disagreement. And, I understand that my disagreement is not necessarily with what he believes, but rather what I perceived from about 700 words he wrote in a single article.
First, I disagree with the idea that our individual identity supersedes the greater good of our service. Despite the need for personal pronouns in an opinion piece (even this piece is littered with “I”), we can’t limit the worth of service to individual sacrifice. They call our profession “the service” for a reason. We sign up to sacrifice our comforts, time, relationships, etc. for the greater good and defense of our nation. Servicemembers, in some ways, forfeit individual freedoms for this. In turn, others grant us privileges in home-buying, discounts, taxes, pension, etc. Is this an even trade? Who knows? But, do we sign up for an even trade? I would argue we should not.
I also disagree that America is turning into the same depraved societies that we faced in the nations where we deployed and fought. America today is not worse off than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. The number of school shootings is not rising, but the awareness and outrage is (side note: there are varying statistics to both support and refute the last statement based on different variables). The amount of racism, hate, and fear, etc. is not rising – but the coverage of and unwillingness to accept these acts are. Take a step back and divorce yourself from the 24/7 media binge we find ourselves in with constant news coverage on TV and Twitter. Consider all of the ways we continue to advance against injustice, through both state and non-state entities. In fact, our outrage and David’s post in and of itself gives me even greater hope!
The fact that the infinitesimal statistical anomaly that is depravity in America is enough to cause us to rise up against it and say “we will not accept this” is a beautiful thing. The majority of Americans go through their lives not witnessing or facing the kind of violence and hate that is an everyday occurrence in the combat zones where we fight. And yet, we stand up for the minority because the minority is still FAR too many. Consider the #MeToo movement, the LGBTQ community, the various marches across America. These are Americans standing up and saying “we will not accept this as the norm in our country”. That is something that doesn’t exist in those other countries. We will not accept violence, injustice, and depravity as our status quo.
Finally, I disagree that our service is a waste. I cannot, and in this forum will not, attempt to determine the overall effect of the wars we fought/fight. Nor, do I think we can discern that today versus in 20 or 30 years. But, I don’t measure my service by that yardstick. My service gives me great fulfillment and joy. It breeds pride in serving something larger than myself – both personal pride and the pride that my family has in me. Every day that I get to connect with a Soldier is a day I get to invest in making a better person, spouse, parent, child, and leader. I am living the difference I want to see in America by helping to develop its leaders. As a parent, I am changing the future by raising my children. As a Soldier, I am changing the future by raising leaders.
Limiting the worth of military service to our own individual feelings toward society is a trap. It negates how much worse off we could be. Remember, we are defending against enemies of the Constitution and the Nation. Yes, those enemies are both foreign and domestic. But, unless called to defend domestically, we leave that up to the various police and intelligence agencies. Are we defended against our foreign enemies? Have we successfully defended America over her history? Not without fault, but the answer is yes. I have to believe we are much better off, scars and societal deformities considered, as a free U.S.A. than we would be if we hadn’t served against our enemies abroad. And, when we consider the evolving nature of war against peer and near-peer threats, we cannot deny the necessity for men and women to serve.
Principle 4: Decide the areas where you disagree. Formulate your opinion based on the previous principles and make sure you are debating the ideas, not the person.
Principle 5 – No Trolls
Social media, especially Twitter, has many merits. But, it is also the father of a disturbing trend. If Social Media is the father, vitriolic disagreement is the mother. They are the parents of Trolls. We all know trolls. Internet trolls vehemently attack others to spread outrage and malcontent rather than respectfully engaging in a debate of ideas. When I see these Trolls posting on Social Media, I instantly think of the movie Elf. I imagine Buddy (Will Farrell) looking at Peter Dinklage’s character and, in a moment of misunderstanding, saying, “You’re an angry elf”.
Principle 5: Don’t be a Troll. Debate ideas, but do it with dignity and respect. When we allow ourselves to be offended and lash out with emotion, we dilute the discussion. Also, don’t mistake wit for wisdom. Just because you are getting a lot of reaction, hearts, likes, etc. doesn’t mean you are providing value or worth.
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Disagreement is healthy, but wrought with opportunity to become cancerous. I disagree with parts of David Dixon’s post on the Angry Staff Officer’s blog. But, that doesn’t mean I harbor ill will toward David or ASO. Nor, does it mean that I discount his opinions as completely wrong. I value him, and because of that, I sought to understand his opinion. In the process, I had a great conversation with him and hopefully built a lasting relationship. We both agree that the Army is a means, not an ends – and the ends have to be better than they are.
To quote Once an Eagle, I am a “morbid, masochistic romantic and [I] love every minute of it, or [I] wouldn’t put up with the whole idiot game”. I love the Army, our Nation, and that we – over 200 years later – are still saying “we aren’t good enough”. And, I never stop believing that we can make a difference through our service.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” -Margaret Mead
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